Why I Came to Fractal
I came to Fractal because of the stories Harrison told me:
That I could grow here.
That I would be paid fairly and recognized for my work.
That the pains I struggled with in my last job would fade under competent leadership.
That with my work ethic and background, I’d finally be valued.
That I’d been undervalued for too long.
That with the right mentorship, I could change my life forever.
That I could build a future: retire my mom, save for a home, care for those around me.
That I’d be surrounded by amazing people.
That I could dream bigger here.
That New York would inspire me.
I signed up, excited. And truthfully, he couldn’t have been more right. I couldn’t be more grateful to be here.
What Changed Before I Started
But then, two weeks before starting, my sister died. I broke my four years of sobriety and started smoking weed again (I've stopped since starting Fractal) My deep anxiety came back: panic attacks, nightmares, fear of failure.
Suddenly, I was terrified of:
Not being able to grow.
Wasting my time here.
My last company revoking my sabbatical.
Sleeping alone.
Where I Am Now
I want to grow. I want to be here. But I also miss my sister. I miss my confidence. I miss the reminders from coworkers that I’m amazing. I miss my apartment, my cats, and even crying while eating ice cream. I miss my partner.
At Fractal Bootcamp, I feel overwhelmed:
I can’t think straight.
I question if I made the wrong choice.
I can’t digest the basics, and I’m terrified of Week 2.
I’m scared this will all be for nothing.
I feel lonely.
It’s only been one week. I had about seven hours across two days where I felt like I belonged here. But looking at next week’s assignment, I don’t feel prepared.
React and CSS feel harder than they should. I’m praying for sleep, for the mental space to learn. I’m terrified of repeating what happened in college, when my emotional struggles delayed my graduation by a year.
My Fears and My Hope
Right now:
I feel competent yet stupid.
The next assignment feels overwhelming.
I don’t even understand what Next.js is.
I’m behind on life — bills, calls, taking care of myself.
Sometimes, though, I do feel hope. When I sleep well, I learn better. When I get small wins, I see the way I think — and it’s like the instructors. I know I’m exceptional when I can focus and apply myself.
I don’t want to waste this opportunity struggling with things that usually wouldn’t hold me back. I want to struggle with the right things. I want the chance to grow into the person Harrison told me I could be.