Finding Stability
This week was so much better than last week.
I should start by acknowledging that — because some days, it’s still hard to let that sink in.
Small Wins, Big Shifts
The first two days went really well. The concepts finally started to click, fundamentals felt natural, and I had a few ah-ha moments that made me feel genuinely proud.
For the first time, I wasn’t just trying to not fall behind — I actually started having creative ideas again. Ideas about what I want to build, not just what I have to build.
My anxiety, fear, and grief is still strong, but now it feels somewhat rational — like something I can overcome.
Day 3: The Breakdown
I hit a brutal emotional wall. Over something not being able to import styling resources xd
But that moment became a strong turning point. I had this emotional breakthrough where I told myself,
“It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to be stupid. It's okay to slow down, find stability, and keep building — that’s enough.”
I had told myself this before, but a part of me actually believed it? crazy.
Support That Hit Deep
When I told Andrew I needed to slow down and re-learn styling, he responded with what felt like an overwhelming amount of empathy it almost made me cry. In hindsight, it wasn't that intense, but damn it hit me.
The next day, I showed him my shitty little website, and he said something like:
“This looks awesome, man. Keep going.”
To me it felt like he was saying, “I see you. You’re doing great.”
I’m tearing up thinking about it — and laughing thinking about crying ahaha.
Sometimes I just desperately want someone I deeply trust to tell me everything’s going to be okay when I can’t convince myself.
I moved out at 16. A lot of my life has been figuring things out while being terrified. So when someone who’s attuned and kind reassures me I’m making good choices, it fills me with peace.
I turn into someone I love when I feel that peace — guiltless, unashamed, driven by love instead of fear.
The next day, my girlfriend surprised me with a visit.
We barely talked because it was late, but falling asleep next to her — knowing she was there right beside me when my sister passed — reminded me how deeply she believes in me.
That, on top of Andrew’s support, hit me like a wave.
The following day, I did more work in six hours than I had all week.
I went from a single page with no persistence to a multi-chat app and a small creative game. It wasn’t what I originally dreamed of building, but I felt good again — passionate in a way I hadn’t since my sisters passing.
Clouds and Rainbows
This week hasn't been all sunshine. I’ve still been swinging between high and low, rain and clear skies.
But overall, this week felt like progress — maybe 20% sunshine, 80% storm, but still, progress that's founded some faith.
Feedback
I need to say — I love Paris. He’s incredible.
He encouraged me to chase my cool idea when I was feeling shaky, and he was right to. He also gave honest feedback that my website styling sucked — which is totally accurate xd..
But I’d spent four hours styling that shitty ass site.
And in that moment, I don't think I needed honesty. I needed someone to pretend it looked amazing. Another 'I see you, you're doing great' moment. Maybe that coupled with 'how much farther can
we get you' would have landed better in that moment.
Paris meant well, and I know I’ll need his kind of truth soon, I definitely want to be in a place to leverage that feedback. But in that specific moment, I was fragile.
I had just built myself back up, and that feedback hit me pretty negatively.
Harrison’s Faith
Then there’s Harrison.
When I first came up here, he went to bat for me — told people at Supply Co. I was worth giving a chance.
After everything that’s happened, I’ve been terrified I let him down. I've been tryint to build up the courage in my mind to ask him to rescind the internship offer so I wouldn’t hurt his credibility.
But he reminded me why I respect him so much — he always finds a way to tell a beautiful story.
He painted my situation to them with compassion and grace.
And the best part is: it felt like he truly believes it too.
Knowing he still has faith in me lifted a massive weight.
Demo Day and Acceptance
I wanted the demo to feel like closure — like validation that I won a mini-war.
I didn’t quite get that.
But honestly, it's fine,
Sometimes, you just need a small victory and a good night’s sleep.
Now, I’m entering this week more grounded. I’m learning to accept my process.
The anxiety’s still there, but it feels more beatable.
Learning Reflections
2. React Conceptual Model
I’m starting to get React — conceptually. I can confidently visualize how to approach problems.
My learning style is rooted in understanding why. Implementation details accumulate once the concept clicks.
If I focus on clarity and repetition, I’ll pick up the nuances of when implementation details effects design.
3. Collaboration & Belonging
The group project is still uncomfortable.
I kinda feel not wanted or valued in a team setting — which is especially difficult after years of being respected in eSports and work environments.
This week wasn’t perfect — but it was healing.
- Jared